The 1 Invaluable Life-Changing Tool You Need: From A Dog 🐶

Convulsing, spitting, shaking, he nearly gives himself a heart attack. Daily. And his response to fear represents a HUGE lesson:

It’s heartbreaking, but Bella, a precious pug, was mauled by a larger dog as a pup.

Completely fine 12 years later, the real, sustained injury from this event lives in Bear (Bella’s brother).

EVERY TIME we go for a walk (they are temporary additions to my family, while a friend travels), when Bear sees a larger dog, he launches full force (leashed) in the other dog’s direction.

Without fail, 2-3 times a walk (3-4 times a day) these sweet, loving pugs turn reactive out of pure fear.

And while nothing comes of it, Bear creates such immense inner turmoil and agitation, it takes substantial time for him and those with him to calm down.

A vivid example, can you relate to Bear’s overwhelming and debilitating fear-based response? Even slightly?

Unfortunately, we can all be like Bear:

Predicting the worst, defending against it even if it doesn’t unfold, and in the meantime, giving ourselves major agita.

So how do we stop it?

How do we not let our brains (prediction machines that predict the worst) have us take a dive off the deep-end based on a previous experience, disturbing our own equanimity - our own inner ease and peace (and likely activating others)?

It starts with awareness, and a simple pause.

That pause between the stimulus (whatever activates us) and our response is THE KEY to a new response - and thus a different result, creating a WHOLE NEW REALITY. It also builds greater emotional intelligence.

Do you find you get triggered too readily? Too often? Do others on your team get activated without awareness? Habituating that pause, and embracing the power of mindfulness is critical.

I’ve had a blast bringing these tools to organizations and sharing them with our Calm & Connect community.

Part of a team or have friends or contacts that would benefit from these tools? With August being Mental Health Awareness Month, it’s never been a better time to embrace these tools.

Let's connect.

Catapult Your Leadership Now: 5 Reasons Why Mindfulness Is The Mother Of All Leadership Skills

Originally published on Forbes.com

Each year billions of dollars are spent on developing professional women. There are scores of trainings on how to better communicate, be more agile, how to listen, be a better mentor, more creative, less reactive, visionary… the list drones on. 

It's enough to make one's head spin. 

The skillsets needed today are unlike those championed decades ago: a new era of Leadership is not only emerging but compulsory. No longer will we (or do we) celebrate and promote the dictatorial, hard-ass leader who generates their power in threats and aggressive backlashes.

Instead, the visionary, the strategic thinker, the listener and the collaborator, the female executive who weighs the balance of short-term gain with long term needs rises to the fore. The woman who understands that as they lead, their decisions impact a greater whole, namely the communities to which they are connected, is followed. And while all these skills can be taught, there is one practice that underlies all. The secret, The Mother of accelerators, if you will: Mindfulness.  

As defined by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Mindfulness is “the awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally."

Meditation is one of the most powerful ways to foster Mindfulness. Contrary to popular misconception, Meditation is not about clearing the mind. 

The nature of the mind is to wander, to have thoughts. No matter how often you meditate, the mind will wander, and thoughts will surface: it's what the mind does, even if you are the Dalai Lama. The power lies in training a new response to, and awareness of, the wandering. 

Meditation is equal parts about habituation the mind back to the present moment, as it is, noticing when, and to where, the mind wanders and with compassion (nonjudgmentally), bringing it back to the present moment. These essential aspects of the practice serve as the backbone to nearly every Leadership skill women need to thrive.

Here's a peek at why Mindfulness is the Mother of all Leadership Skills.

1. Mindfulness Fosters Intentionality. In Meditation, the exercise is to habituate the mind back to the present moment, or back to an object of focus, again, and again, and again. That training builds the neuro muscle so that when our mind wanders or when our attention gets jerked away, in life and the boardroom, we can more easily refocus. In meetings, it's natural to get caught up in our thoughts, critical points, or the impending presentation, detracting from fully hearing emerging specifics that might require a change in approach. This fostering of intentionality enables us to be with what is, instead of what we "think" is present. 
   

2. Mindfulness Mitigates Reactive Tendencies – Reactive tendencies are significant inhibitors of effective Leadership. Some leaders lash out, others shut down, while some "go along to get along." When we react, it is as though our brains have been yanked into a state of fear or anger, undermining our ability to respond thoughtfully. When we have developed the skill to notice, without judgment but with discernment, where our mind is, and the state it is in, we are more likely to pause. That pause enables us to respond purposefully and intentionally chose the next best course of action. Ultimately, that pause not only influences the response, but also how it is delivered. As the adage goes, often, "it's not only what you say, but how you say it."
   

3. Mindfulness Cultivates Creativity: as we step out of our reactive tendencies, often propelled by anxiety and fear, it opens up space to create and innovate. Studies show that when fear and anxiety override the brain, it's as though it's an orchestra gone wrong, you can only hear the out of tune violin and trombone. It's nearly impossible to hear anything else, never mind allow creative insight to arise. Meditation not only enables us to acknowledge our reactive desires and choose a different action or focus, but it also allows us to hear the rest of the symphony and the space between the notes. It is always in that space that insight arises.
   

4. Mindfulness Facilitates Broader Perspective: As the practice becomes more habitual, it inherently builds greater awareness. The act of noticing that the mind has wandered, without judgment, but with full awareness, enables access to more information about ourselves, our tendencies, and the present moment. This expanded perspective in turn fosters enhanced discernment. As researched by the leading thought leaders of The Leadership Circle, core Leadership Competencies of Strategic Focus and Systems Thinker require these skills.
   

5. Mindfulness increases Emotional Intelligence (EI or EQ): The previous school of thought was that there was no room for emotions in the workspace. Now, research and case studies show that EQ is critical for great Leadership. Meditation increases EQ through enhancing the ability to pause and check-in before choosing a response, as well as through the development of consistent, nonjudgmental awareness. Both of these skills foster EQ's key components, including Self-Awareness, Empathy, Self-Regulation & Social Aptitude. fMRI scans of the brain further support this claim, as these scans show that Meditation directly increases the activity in areas of the brain related to Empathy and Compassion (EQ).

Through a surge in research, including Harvard Studies,  we now know that with only eight weeks, Meditation can rewire and build areas of the brain not just related to empathy and compassion, but also to memory and learning, and rewire areas related to stress. But just like the gym, it is a practice that needs consistency. A response is often "I don't have the time," but it can start with a mere minute. Though the benefits are extensive in the leadership realm, a mindful practice impacts all spheres of life. Mindfulness truly is The Mother, the great support, the compassionate listener, the teacher of all critical Leadership, and ultimately life, skills. You can't afford not to take the time.

A July 4th Miracle: How we Survived a Hit & Run in the Colorado Mountains

I knew that if I left my body, it might take time to return. So I refused.

And instead of disengaging, and disassociating from what had just unfolded, (and can be an understandable reaction ), I asked that we turn off the audiobook, and all other “distractions” so that I could actually be with the immensity of the moment. And as I continued to drive our nearly totaled car until we could find cell service, I did what I knew was critical: I focused on my breath, feeling my feet on the pedals, and feeling my hands on the steering wheel. I had to be fully present if we were going to make it another hour to an area of cell service, to call the cops and report what had just unfolded…

It was scary; it was shocking. On a bridge, on Highway 131 in the mountains of Colorado, he could not be avoided. Speeding around a bend, he swerved right into our lane, as though heading straight for us. Transpiring in seconds, I slowed as smoothly as possible, given the motorcyclist behind us, and veered to the right, conscious not to hit bridge’s railing.

Somehow, by the grace of an incredible miracle, instead of a head-on collision, he slammed into my driver’s side before speeding off. Though the car sustained substantial physical damage, we walked away physically unharmed, extraordinarily grateful for our lives, and the life of the motorcyclist’s behind us.

While our bodies suffered no physical damage, it’s critical to acknowledge that such an incident can wreak havoc on the physical and emotional body. In times of danger, the brain shoots out extreme dosages of adrenaline, cortisol, and other endorphins that can continue to flood the system for days.

Whether speaking to incidental trauma or trauma that can arise from long term events, including CoVid, trauma can inflict perpetual distress on the body and to the brain if not properly attended to: if one does not adequately permit themselves to feel “what is.” Many fear that in granting themselves permission to feel all related sensations and emotions, they will be overwhelmed and unable to cope. So instead, the reflex is to push aside, minimize, and even deny our feelings.

However, as we do that, there is a consequence to pay. So much neuro-based research is uncovering just how much damage it can cause, long term.*

Instead, what is requisite is that we be with our experience: not the story we make up, but rather the facts and the physical sensations present. We acknowledge all facets. And while I am a massive proponent of reframing situations, seeing the gift (and in this situation, I found many) that, however, does not mean that we don’t acknowledge what else is present.

A process I neglected the first 30 years of my life, I carried residual trauma from a hit & crash at 18 (my car flipped 3 times) and other extra-ordinary life events. Now it is non-negotiable.

I get to spend my days holding space for and facilitating incredible life and leadership transformation. However, one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that if I do not hold space for the trauma, heartbreak, or crazy life events, there is no way I can fully be there for clients — never mind encourage and enable them to do the same for themselves.

The initial resistance can be that it feels gratuitous, selfish, unnecessary, or even daunting, but the fact is, it is requisite. It is possible to be grateful and to process the trauma. We are complex human beings with complex systems, and the two are not mutually exclusive.

Only this week, a client finally acknowledged the impact CoVid has had on his life, family, and business. In an effort to “stay positive,” and pretend like business was normal, unsuspecting tension built up both in his body and mind. However, in the process of acknowledging himself, to be with what is, tension melted, insight and new awareness and possibilities arose.

The pure act of acknowledging, and the radical permission to be with it all, is one of the most significant, healing gifts we can give ourselves, and ultimately those with whom we interact.

So, I emphatically request, if you are ever in a like-and-kind situation, or experience an extra-ordinary life event, please do not disengage from your body. It can take years to return. Allow yourself to process, to be with it. I certainly recommend a professional, but at the very least — rather than the story of what happened, let yourself be with whatever sensations are in your body without making them wrong. Don’t push them away; rather acknowledge them as if they were a guest. Know that they will leave if you let them pass through.

And please. Don’t ever drink and drive.

To watch the Video which adds another level and shares how Meditation played a huge part in saving our lives, click here:

*To learn more, The Body Keeps Score by Bessel A. van der Kolk and The Body Bears the Burden by Robert Scaer are great resources